Chapter Sixty Nine

By Chris Fulmer

"FI--!!" General Blum only partially got out the order to kill, for at that moment the fireworks show abruptly started exploding over the castle to their left. He and the other people with guns were startled and stopped to look at what had interrupted them. In a flash, Del had charged forward and knocked the entire row of potential shooters over like bowling pins. "Everybody scatter!" he shouted to his friends and neighbors, "They can't hit moving targets!"

"Oh yes we can!" the general took aim at the salesman. Del gulped and tried to run out of the way, but another shot rang out, sending him crumpling to the ground like Sherman had......

"DEL!!!" Neal rushed over to his friend, "Del, please, don't go!" he pleaded, shaking him violently.

"Yeah, don't go!" Kayla and the other orphans joined him at the salesman's side. It didn't look good. But then all of a sudden, Del rose shakily to a sitting position. "How....?" Neal was amazed he could be alive, even when it had been clear the bullet had gone right to his chest.

"Simple," Del unzipped his coat, "Marie didn't want me to join her just yet."

He withdrew the portrait of Marie that he always took with him from inside his coat. The bullet was lodged inside the middle of the picture's cracked glass. "I brought it with me for good luck," he explained, "I can see Marie wanted to make sure it was lucky."

"Don't EVER scare me like that again!" Neal found himself hugging the man he'd once hated with every fiber of his being as if he was a brother.

"Yeah, we all need you," Danny joined him in the hug. Del smiled at the compassion being shown him. They couldn't stand around, however, as the soldiers were starting to regroup and fire at whoever they could get a clear shot at. There was a mad rush for any kind of cover as the bullets started flying again. Seeing that the Wet Bandits were occupied chasing after Miles, fooled once again by their similar appearances, Kevin tried to sneak down the service stairs. Sam and Lenny, however abruptly blocked his way.

"Harry was right for once, you are a complete pain in the rear!" the long-haired crook snarled, holding his switchblade to Kevin's throat. Lenny did the same with his machine gun. "But there's nowhere to go now!" Sam continued, raising his knife high, "Say your prayers!"

But before he could bring it crashing down, a familiar snow shovel hit him in the back of the head. Sam groaned, dropped the knife and collapsed senseless to the ground. Lenny turned toward the source of his associate's aggravation, but another harsh blow to his face knocked him out as well.

"Hey, you made it!" Kevin exclaimed as Old Man Marley lowered the shovel and examined his handiwork.

"They said at the school that everything was happening over here now," Marley told him, "Didn't want anything bad to happen to anyone I know."

"Does that mean...?" Kevin's question was answered as several pigeons flew by him. He broke into a big smile. "This is starting to get fun again," he said. Then he heard the sound of a car of some kind driving up the stairs. "Huh?" he frowned, "She's got a license?"

"No, that's not her," Marley grabbed his hand and pulled him back up out of harm's way, "This is some young woman who was listening to us for some reason. Best stay out of her way."

"Someone's coming," several soldiers had also heard the vehicle coming. They formed a line, ready to rake it with fire, but it shot out onto the ledge so quickly that they had no recourse to avoid being run over but to dive backwards into the pool below.

"My truck!" Chanice screamed at the sight of it. There was no mistaking the words KOBALOWSKI TIRES in big block letters on the side. "How did you manage to get my truck!?" she demanded to the person driving it.

"It was almost too simple," said the driver, who happened to be......

"LISA!!??" Wyatt and Gary exclaimed at the sight of their creation. She winked at them. Marv, who'd been looking for Kevin nearby, also noticed who was now on the scene. "WHOA MAMMA!! WHAT A BABE!!!!!!" he exclaimed, his eyes bulging lecherously out of his head. He rushed to the driver's window. "Say sweet thing, why don't you come on out here and we can get acquainted better," he said in his best suave manner.

"Why don't you stick your head in here and Santa Lisa'll give you a big surprise," she told him. Marv foolishly did just that. Lisa gave him a big kiss on the lips, which gave the crook his second severe electrocution of the night. Unlike before, however, Marv didn't care, even though smoke was now pouring from his ears again. "Now THAT'S what I call a smooth operator," he told no one in particular as he slumped backwards to the ground.

"Ah, stop thinking' with yer gonads, Marv!" Harry snarled at him. Immune to Lisa's exterior charm, he took his gun back off Marv and took aim at the cab. Lisa, however, merely waved her fingers and the truck's snowplow moved up into place so that Harry's shots were deflected of of harm's way. Completely blinded by rage, Harry nonetheless continued firing until he ran out of bullets and threw down the gun in disgust. "This is unreal!" he muttered, skulking off. Meanwhile, Lieutenant Maltin and Private Ebert were sneaking up behind the truck. "We'll take her out while she's busy with those fools," the lieutenant reasoned, loading up his last clip of ammunition.

"Yep, "Ebert agreed, "And better yet, it's my honor and not that late idiot Siskel's. Glad to get rid of him."

Lisa, however, was prepared for this tactic as well. The moment both men had their guns raised at her, she waved her fingers again, and the tow truck hook abruptly feel down on Ebert's head. "Looks like we gave an all ten fingers down performance tonight," he moaned before passing out.

"You'll pay for that one, you hag!" Maltin reached for where he normally stored his grenades, but found he was out of them. The next minute, the hook had caught him by the back of his uniform and was lifting him up over the edge of the synthetic mountain. "I take it back! I take it back!!" he shrieked frantically, hoping to avoid any more zonking. It was to no avail' Lisa released the hook, sending him plummeting down the side of the summit, landing crotch first on another genuine cactus that had been stuck out on the side of the peak by Roy Walley's designers. "EEEEYYYYYYIIIIIIIIIII!!!!" he cried out in pain before keeling over and falling the rest of the way into the lake below.

Several more soldiers foolhardily tried their luck with Lisa. "Out of the car, toots!" one shouted before stopping and staring blankly at her beauty. "Do we shoot her or do it with her?" one of his associates asked.

"You don't have to do anything," Lisa pointed her index finger at them and zapped them into amorphous blobs. "Hey, what the hell happened!?" yet another one asked, looking around in shock, "How come everything got bigger? And why does my stomach feel like a bowl full of jelly?"

Lisa smiled mischievously at their to-be-temporary predicament and slunk out of the truck, ready to be on standby if needed again. "Nothing like a little night before Christmas exercises to get the old pixels pumping," she said to herself.

Meanwhile, Rooney was firing around hoping to find his hated enemy. He didn't have far to look. "I see you, Ferris!" the principal snapped, firing off a powerful blast from his remaining gun that destroyed the fake rock the teen was hiding behind. "Now you get real justice, just like you've deserved for years!" he bellowed, taking careful aim.

"Drop it, Mr. Rooney!" came Cameron's voice from behind him. Rooney turned to see Ferris's friend pointing a pistol at him. The principal burst into hysterical laughter. "You're even more pathetic than I thought, Frye!" he mocked him, "Don't you know bravado gets you nowhere in life, only hard action does?"

"Yes I do," Cameron cocked the pistol, "So drop it and back away from my best friend or else!"

"You couldn't possibly shoot me, Frye," Rooney taunted him, trying to control the laughter, "You don't even remotely have the..."

There was a loud blast as Cameron fired into the ground inches from Rooney's toes. Rooney shrieked and jumped around in shock. "You almost shot me, you ape!!" he shouted.

"And the next one's coming at you, so drop it unless," Cameron switched to his Mr. Petersen persona, "Unless you want me to turn your little red wagon inside out, Rooney."

Rooney's face burst into rage as he realized it was Cameron, of all people, who'd tricked him with that phone call back in April. "You! You made a fool out of me before!" he barked, "How could you....!?"

"Ed, got them," Vernon shoved his detentees from the other day toward his employee, "Let's finish them all off together."

"You drop it Frye, or Mr. Vernon and I ice your friends here," Rooney threatened him. Finding multiple lives in jeopardy now, Cameron lowered the pistol. "Idiot!" Rooney sneered, turning with Vernon to fire on the teens anyway......

"Excuse me gentlemen," came the voice of the pigeon lady behind them. Both educators turned abruptly. "Who the hell are you?" Vernon asked curtly.

"Someone with a nice Christmas present for you two," just like she had in Central Park last year, the pigeon lady dumped all her birdseed on them.

"What in the hell!?" Rooney shouted, finding the seeds stuck to him due to the still undried paint all over he and Vernon. Both of them found out what it was about, as the Wet Bandits had before them, when dozens upon dozens of pigeons swooped out of the skies toward them. Both men screamed in terror as they were swarmed by birds from all directions. Rooney emptied four blasts into the thick cloud above him, causing a few pigeons to flutter dead to the ground, but most were unharmed by this. He scrambled frantically to reload, but in his haste dropped all his remaining ammunition over the side of the mountain. Vernon, on the other hand, kept clicking his rifle at the dive-bombing pigeons, only to learn he was completely out of ammo. Face with no other prospects, they tossed their guns at the birds and ran for it.

Halfway down the stairs, however, Vernon tripped and tumbled into Rooney in front of him, knocking him down. Before they could get back up, the pigeons descended on top of them. Soon their screams as they were eaten half-alive echoed all over the mountain. The teens all rushed over to see their oppressors' fates. They could barely contain their delight at what they saw. "Well Dick, now you can have your just desserts and get eaten by them too," Bender yelled at a shrieking Vernon.

"This is for all of us you've both spit on all these years!" Allison added.

"And for thinking we're no good and worthless!" Sloane added, "Who's going nowhere in life now, Ed?"

"Exactly, "Ferris said. He turned to Cameron. "Cam, thank you more than words can say for what you did back there," he said, his face flush with gratitude, "You really saved my neck there."

"Well, for all the times you've stood by me when I was feeling down, miserable, and so on, I think you deserved it," Cameron said, flashing a smile even bigger than the one he'd had when he'd decided to finally stand up to his father back in April, "But it's a good thing the old lady came along when she did. The was the last bullet I used to scare Rooney. "

"Really?" the color uncharacteristically drained briefly from Ferris's face, but he recomposed himself and waked over with the others to watch he tormentor's anguish.

General Blum was shrieking now also. "Shoot them, anyone, you incompetent idiots!!" he screamed at his men from his perch on a ledge above the tunnel for the logs, "They're everywhere, you can kill them if you actually try!" Then he noticed Duckie looking over the far edge of the ledge at Maltin below, unaware he was an easy shot. The general raised his gun with a cruel smile....

From behind him Ace leapt on his arm and sank his fangs into it.

"YEEEEOOOOOOWW!!" the general yelled, shaking his arm wildly to get the dog off, "Release me you filthy mutt!" he shouted, whacking at him. Ace finally relinquished his grip. Blum put the gun to the dog's mouth.

"Don't!" Andie jumped between them, "Not Ace! He means too much for me!"

"Well then, sweetheart, I guess I'll have to kill you for his crime then!" Blum took aim at her. There was nowhere for Andie to go. But then.....

"NO!!!!" From out of nowhere Blaine jumped on top of her just as Blum fired. He smothered her, taking three hits in the back before a loud whump mercifully stopped the shooting. Turning around, they saw Duckie dropping a large ice chunk on the military man's head, stunning him. "I think you need to seriously chill out, buddy," he told him over Blum's howls. He then ran over to his friends. "Are you two all right?" he asked them breathlessly.

"I hope so," Andie crawled out from under Blaine. "Oh my God, he hit you good!" she cried, seeing the extent of Blum's gunshots.

"I'm OK Andie, really," Blaine said, only half-meaning it. He struggled to rise to his feet.

"You took bullets for me?" Andie was seriously impressed by Blaine's utterly selfless act, "That was far and away the most courageous thing I've ever seen anyone do."

"I'd take an H-bomb in the chest for you, Andie," Blaine said, the affection and love pouring from his face like the Mississippi, "I'd take anything they'd dish out for you. My life is nothing if you don't love me. And from now on, I won't let anything devalue that promise. Anything."

He told hold of her hand. They stared each other longingly in the eyes, and then let loose the most passionate kiss they'd ever had. Which lasted about ten seconds before Blaine started groaning in pain again. "We'd better go find a first aid kit now," Andie said, deeply worried. If she lost him now....

"Leave it to me," Duckie told her, "You stay and keep him warm--in both ways."

"You'll do none of that!" General Blum had recovered from the ice bashing and was coming at them again.

"Oh Colonel," Buck called to him from behind, "I think it's me you really want to kill, not any of these kids."

Blum turned around. Buck was standing there holding a lead pipe as if it were a light saber. "If you're a real man, you'll fight me and not a bunch of innocent kids, you yellowbellied son of a motherless goat!" he turned his former superior.

"Son of a motherless goat?" Blum didn't get this. He drew his sword. "So Russell, the circle is now complete," he said advancing toward him, "When you left me you were but a loser; now you're still one!"

"Only a loser in your eyes," Buck said, "You can't win, Colonel. If you strike me down I'll grow more powerful than you can possible imagine."

"You should not have done this to me, you....!" Blum slapped his forehead. "I am not going to be duped into doing stupid movie quotes!" he shouted at himself.

"Well since you won't, I will, and in the words of Lloyd Bridges, 'We'll settle this the old Navy way; first guy to die loses!'" Buck told him with a confident smile. Blum swung his sword at him. Buck blocked it with his pipe, and the two were soon deep in an intense duel. "Feels bad, doesn't it?" Buck asked him as they ascended to the very top of the peak, "Knowing that for once in your life you can't bully everyone into giving you what you want. If I were you, I'd take it and learn from it."

"Nobody tells me what to do, especially you!" Blum drew his knife with his free hand and gave a shrill whistle. Douglas swooped at Buck's face, talons raised. Buck ducked to avoid the hawk and let out a whistle of his own. Cecil loyally leapt up the rocks and started snapping at the hawk. With their pets engaged in mortal combat at their feet, the two men intensified their fight to a fever pitch. Everyone below stopped and looked up at the conflict above them. Finally, one of Buck's swings knocked Blum's sword out of his hands. "You've been bested, Colonel," he said, putting the lead pipe to the general's temple like it was a gun, "Drop your knife and surrender to us."

Blum started to slowly put the knife down--and then in a sudden move thrust it toward Buck's shin. Buck just managed to a direct hit, taking a nick off his tibia instead, but since he was standing near the edge, he fell over it, just managing to grab a tree branch on the side. Laughing, Blum picked up his sword and advanced toward him. "You thought you could beat me, Private Russell?" he snarled, "You forgot that I don't fight fair and never will. You may think you've stopped me, but it was all for nothing. I'll gather together another force and steal the codes again, and there's nothing you or these losers can do to stop me again."

He raised the sword high, planning to take off Buck's head, but the sound of his helicopter approaching from the front of the park caused him to pause. "On second thought, I've got to go right now," he said, "Once I'm settled in somewhere in South America, I may even come back and give your filthy town a real present; a ton of plutonium!"

He laughed again and waved for the helicopter pilot to his location. The co-pilot dropped a rope ladder down for him. As it came closer, however, a loud scream rang out from the bottom of the mountain. Everyone who could ran over to see a huge dark shape attacking one of the soldiers who'd been standing guard to prevent the escape of any of their captives. "Uh oh," Duckie realized, "The bear must have been freed by that rogue rocket."

"What bear?" Claire asked him.

"The one they caught up in Canada and sent down here," he told her, "It's a man-eater; we've been keeping it in quarantine until it calmed down, but the tranquilizers got stuck due to the snowstorm. I don't know about you, but I'd run for it."

The bear was now climbing up the mountain, apparently attracted by the smell of more humans. It had to be at least fifteen feet long and weigh about nine hundred pounds. Its most notable feature, however, was that there was no hair on its head and rump. And it looked hungry. Very hungry. It let out an unearthly roar as it pulled itself onto the ledge where everyone was and reared up, showing itself to be at least eight feet high. Everyone in its path screamed and ran. "Sir, save us!" one soldier cried out to his commander.

"Oh dear God, must I do everything myself!?" Blum rolled his eyes. "Give me something big!" he called to his pilots, who tossed down a bazooka. The general took aim at the bear and fired off a blast, sending it flying over the ledge and out of sight. "That's that," he said. He tossed the empty bazooka aside and took hold of the ladder as the copter came directly overhead. "I'll finish you people off one of these days, you can count on that!" he yelled down at the Shermerites as he was lifted up in the air. "Hey, wait for me!" Harry ran up after him, "We've got a flight to Paradise waitin'!"

"And me too!" Marv added. They jumped for the ladder, but as they grabbed for it the general kicked both of them away, sending them falling halfway down the mountain before landing on the wire running to the castle used as part of the fireworks show's opening. Marv started screaming in terror at being up high again. "Ah, shut up!" Harry groaned, embarrassed that they'd missed their flight to the promised land. They watched the helicopter rise into the sky.....

And from out of nowhere the bear rose up on the ledge and grabbed the ladder with its paws, pulling it back down with massive brute strength. The bazooka had blown the hair off its chest to match the bare spots on its top and bottom. A look of pure rage was plastered on its face. It roared again as it pulled the helicopter down to earth. For once in his life, General Blum was genuinely terrified. "Go up!" he screamed to his pilots.

"We're giving it all we've got sir!" the pilot shouted down.

"Well give it more!" Blum ordered him. He regretted having thrown away the bazooka now. He drew his guns and fired his five remaining shots at the bear, but these seemed to have no effect on it. Desperate, he thrust his sword at it, but the bear snapped it in two with a hard swipe. It swung its full weight up on the ladder, causing the helicopter to jolt wildly toward the ground. The pilots frantically gave it all they had, but the weight of the bear and the general was just too much. One of the connecting bolts holding the ladder to the cargo hold broke off from the strain. Blum just managed to avoid another bear swipe. He tried to climb up the ladder out of harm's way. He had just about reached the top when the second and last bolt broke. A look of sheer horror overtook him as he, the bear, and the ladder started falling in what to him and everyone watching was slow motion. His scream of terror echoed louder than any other that night as he fell to earth, until it was interrupted by his impact on the cold, hard concrete below. Having pulled himself back up onto solid ground, Buck ran over to the edge and looked down. "Yilch," he grimaced, "I hope his health insurance can cover all that!"

There was a muffled roar below as the bear hauled itself to its feet, stunned but still alive. It looked like it was ready to climb back up the mountain and resume its bloody rampage, but at that moment a net landed on top of it. "Get the tranquilizers in her, quick!" yelled one of Walley's zoo keeping staff as he and about a dozen co-workers rushed over to subdue the beast. Held up by the storm, Walley's third shift employees were only now arriving for the evening. The air was now filled with the wailing of police sirens as well. Cop cars and S.W.A.T. trucks burst through the gates of the park and pulled to a stop at the base of the mountain. "This is the FBI!" shouted one of the people below.

"And the Shermer P.D.!" Chief Radcliffe added, "Give yourselves up!"

The remaining soldiers opened fire on the authorities, who responded with everything they had. The civilians all hit the deck as the good guys ran up the steps, flattening all bad guys in their path. The cops that came upon Vernon and Rooney stared in shock for a moment before firing a shot in the air to scatter the pigeons. Covered in feathers, the two educators tried to run for it, but their path was blocked by a solid line of men in blue. "Thought you could try and hide behind psychopaths, did you?" one of them asked the two of them, "Well, let's see how the DA likes your excuse for doing it."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Vernon said quickly, "We were blackmailed by the general into doing everything."

"That's not what the students you helped take hostage say," the cop said, cuffing him and Rooney, "You have the right to remain silent and to an attorney."

Within minutes it was all over. The soldiers were in the authorities' custody. All that was left to take care of was the Wet Bandits from their high perch above the park. "Get us down!" Marv was shrieking to the cops he normally feared, "I'll never tell another lie as long as I live!"

"Yeah sure!" Harry growled at him. The cops didn't have to do anything, for at that moment the line broke off from their weight on the mountain's side, sending the two of them flying across the park much like Tarzan on a vine until their path was rudely interrupted by a large tree. Moaning, they slid to the ground as officers rushed over and handcuffed them. "I had a three hundred dollar bet going that I'd come across you guys looking like you'd been through a war," Sergeant Vane told the thugs, "It's the surest bet in town. Anyway, Harold Sylvester Lyme, Marvin Quentin Murchens, you're both under arrest for ten counts of burglary, twelve counts of breaking and entering, four counts of assault with the intent of manslaughter, three counts of use of concealed and deadly weapons, a count of sedition and treason for each of you, and four hundred and eighty-seven counts of kidnapping and unlawful restraint."

"Those are the most ridiculous charges I've ever heard!" Marv protested, "What else're ya gonna try and pin on us, square-dancing in a roundhouse?"

"Shut up Marv!" Harry kicked his partner, "They just might, ya know!"

General LaGarde, in the meantime, made his way up onto the ledge. "Is everyone all right up here?" he asked the Shermerites.

"For the most part, I guess you could say that," Andrew told him.

"We do have someone shot!" Andie helped Blaine down to where the good general was standing, "Please give him assistance!"

"We've got medical personnel available for anyone who needs it," LaGarde told her, "Everyone follow me; I think we'd all like to hear what you've all got to say."

"Plleeeeeeeeease arrest us!" one of the soldiers not in custody already threw himself at LaGarde's feet, "I've taken more than a person can take! Lock me up please! I love jail!"

"Well, we'll be more than happy to fulfill your request there," LaGarde nodded to his adjutant Antonson, who handcuffed the man. Satisfied the situation was under control, LaGarde strolled back down to ground level. Everyone filed down the stairs after him. At the bottom, they paused for a minute and watched some medics load General Blum onto a stretcher. "Is he......?" Buck asked.

"No, he's not dead," the head medic said, "But I think it's likely that he won't be much more than a vegetable from now on. He took severe nervous damage when he fell. What exactly happened?"

"Oh it's a long story," Buck said. He looked down at Blum. His commander's usually furious and hateful eyes now had a dull, almost peaceful serenity to them now that he was no longer a threat to anyone. The evil general's mouth hung open in horror from the last thing he'd seen. There was no blood, but he still looked drained and half-dead already. "Let's get him out of here," the head medic said to his colleagues, who wheeled Blum away. "Feel relived, don't you?" Chanice asked over his shoulder.

"Yeah," Buck nodded, "I think we all just made several hundred dead people's afterlives better. Plus, I think I redeemed myself in a big way."

"You've done more than that, my good man," General LaGarde told him, shaking his hand, "You and everyone else here have just saved the world from the tyranny of a madman. I think this warrants the Presidential Medal of Freedom for all of you."

"Even us?" Maizy asked him, excited even though she clearly had no idea what the Medal of Freedom entailed.

"Even you," LaGarde said, "Unless any of you can think up a better way for us to reward you all for your efforts."

"Well normally I think we could say, 'Send us to Walleyworld' or something like that, but since we're already here, that won't work," Buck chuckled. He noticed Cecil trotting over carrying Douglas's now lifeless body in his mouth. The German shepherd offered the hawk to its master. "Keep it," Buck told him, "You and Percy go split it. Consider it your Christmas bonus."

Cecil scurried off among the legs of officers and MPs who were now leading the handcuffed soldiers out toward the parking lot. Many were laughing at their suspects' laughable condition. The cops leading the feathered Vernon and Rooney away, in fact, were fighting hard not to fall over on the ground from the humor they found in their prisoners' state.

"YOU!!" Rooney shouted at his enemies. It took all of his arresting officer's strength to keep the soon-to-be-ex-principal from breaking loose and attacking his students. "I'll get you all for doing this to me!" he shouted at them, "Mark my words, I'll hunt you all down and roast you all over a hellishly hot barbeque!!!"

"We'll leave the steak sauce for when you get out, Mr. Rooney," Ferris told him half mockingly, "I love a barbeque too, you know."

"I'll kill you Ferris!!" Rooney threatened him, "I'll kill you yet if it's the last thing I ever do!"

"And it probably will be," Bender snorted.

"You may think you've won, John Bender, but the war's not over yet!" Vernon shouted at him, "You show up in that courtroom and I'll have you hanged from the highest ceiling! You'll never escape me!"

"Yeah sure," Buck yawned. He approached his former bosses. "Well, I guess all I can say is, I'll have the honor of seeing you two gents again in a few months," he told them, "In the meantime, I'm sure we'll do just fine without you at Shermer High. Because these children you spit on, as you try and change their worlds, are immune to your consultations. They're well aware of what they're going through. And now you'll be too, I hope." He gave the cops the thumbs-up. "Give 'em a nice warm place for the night, guys," he told them.

"I swear, Russell, one of these days we'll make you sorry you ever signed the application form for us!" Vernon bellowed at him as he and Rooney were towed away.

"I think you two are the ones who need to start feeling sorry," the cop holding him said, "You're both facing numerous federal and state charges with at least a hundred years prison time. And that's not counting the possibility that the parents of your hostages might file charges against you."

"Yes, well, let me just say it was all his idea," Rooney jerked a handcuffed finger toward Vernon.

"WHAT!?" Vernon shouted, outraged, "How dare you, Ed!? You practically forced me into doing your dirty work with you!"

"Oh no, Richard, if I remember it correctly, you took to joining me with a minimum of qualms!" Rooney retorted.

"No no, you're lying about that!" Vernon snarled, "I never wanted you to kill anyone anyway!"

"Well you could have fooled me, you moron!" Rooney snapped, "You all but told me you want to knock off John Bender, and I was just trying to make your life easier! Some friend you turn out to be!"

"Officer, I'd like you to know I'd be willing to turn state's evidence against this monstrous ape," Vernon told his arresting officer. "And I'll turn state's evidence against you if you backstab me like that, you filthy swine!" Rooney yelled.

"All right Ed, you're asking for it!" Vernon twisted partially out of the cop's gasped and glared right in Rooney's face.

"Bring it on, Richard!" Rooney dared him, "I can kick your ass any day!"

"Why you.....!!!" Vernon charged toward him. The two men kicked at each other and shouted every obscenity imaginable in each other's face as they were loaded into the nearest convenient cruiser. As the door was shut behind them, they whaled away at each other with their shoulders and knees in the back seat.

Among the myriad of cop cars, the McCallisters were searching frantically for any sign of their son. "They're not in there," Peter said, glancing at several soldiers inside the cruiser to his left, "Maybe we were thinking wrong that they'd be here."

"No, he's here and they're here; I can feel it in my bones," Kate told him. "If we just keep looking we'll come across.....there they are!!!" she pointed to the Wet Bandits being led out of the park, "And what in God's name happened to them!?"

"Maybe the stories they told us about Kevin were true after all," Peter said. They hurried over to the crooks. ".....can't try and worm your way out of this one," Officer Castle was telling them gleefully, "We've got your fingerprints on at least four of the robberies this week, so I don't think even a Johnnie Cochran defense can safe you from the Three Strikes rule this year."

"Well ain't it obvious? Someone's been spreadin' our fingerprints all over town!" Marv reasoned, "That's a perfectly logical explanation!"

"Oh my God, SHUT UP!!!" Harry kicked his partner again, "Ya keep makin' it worse for us every stinkin' year!"

The McCallisters rushed them. "Where's Kevin!?" Kate demanded to Harry, "If I find anything's happened to him, I'll have you both get the electric chair at least three times in a row!!"

"Ya want him? Go in there and get him!" Harry barked, "And then bring him out here so I can tear the flesh off his damn bones!!"

Kate raised her fist to strike him. "Honey, honey," Peter pulled it down, "Please, let me." And with that, he let Harry have it right in the nose.

"Right," Kate said, and turned toward Marv. "Not in the face!" Marv protested.

"OK," Kate didn't hit him in the face. Instead, she gave him the most brutal kick in the balls in history. Marv once again let out a peanut whistle shriek as he slumped forward. "See officer, that's brutality," he pleaded Sergeant Vane, "Arrest 'em!"

"These guys kidnapped us and our family, and they tried to kill our son," Kate explained to the policemen, "Several times, apparently. And they just ransacked our home. I think you should know we plan to press full charges against them."

"Don't worry madam, with the amount of charges facing them, you won't have any further problems with the Wet Bandits," Sergeant Vane said, loading Marv into his cruiser.

"Actually, we ain't officially the Wet Bandits no more," Marv pointed out, "See, now we're officially the Sticky Bandits, ya got that? S-T-I-K-E, sticky!"

"Shut yer cakehole and get in the car!" Harry kicked Marv once more. "Yer gonna be hearin' from my attorney, pal!" he yelled at Peter as Officer Castle loaded him in, "I've got yer little twerp dead to rights on over eighty counts of aggravated assault over the last three years! When I get through with ya, ya ain't gonna have a cent left, ya hear me!?" You'll be flat broke, livin' on the street, beggin' for dough and food, wasting yer.......!"

He shrieked in pain again as Officer Castle accidentally closed the cruiser door on his leg, which Harry had neglected to pull into the car. "Sorry about that," the junior cop said, nonetheless still smiling. "Seriously, don't worry about these guys," he reassured the McCallisters, "All of us at the academy hear the story of how they tried to rob the bank in Highland Park by spraying whipped cream all over their heads for a disguise, walking up to the drive-thru window, and holding the teller a holdup note with both their names signed on it. It'll take a jury ten minutes to convict them of any crime, tops."

"That sounds like them all right, "Kate mused. She and her husband started toward the park gate, but found it blocked by more cops. "Sorry folks, only authorized people get in until further notice," one told them.

"But our son's probably in there!" Peter protested, "We haven't seen him in four days, and we need to know he's all right!"

"He probably is, but we need to give the medics a clean chance to help anyone who needs help, so if you'll be kind and just wait out here you'd be helping a lot," the cop told them. The McCallisters sighed and sat down on a park bench for even more waiting.