Outside, Kevin spotted a half-ajar duct grating on the side of the school wall. It wasn't much of an entrance, but it would have to do under the circumstances. He ran over and yanked it as hard as he could. It came off on the third tug. He threw it to the ground and started to climb into the duct.

"Going somewhere, little twerp?" came a sinister voice behind him. Kevin turned very slowly to find himself looking at Filch. The horrible man flicked open knife he was holding and pointed it at Kevin's throat. "You're coming with me, boy," he said, trying to sound frightening. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the scream burst forth from Kevin 's throat like a geyser erupting. Seeing that it had stunned Filch momentarily, he took the opportunity to dive into the air vent and start climbing up the steep slope. He had no idea where the library was, but he knew he had to get there very quick. "Come here you little rat!" Filch started climbing up the duct after him. Despite his bulky frame, he was keeping good pace with Kevin. Kevin had to go at full speed to keep ahead of his slashing knife. He turned blindly to the right at the next shaft. Or should he have gone left? If only there was some way to ditch Filch.!

".it's more than some stupid book, Bender, for the last time!" Allison argued for what now seemed like the umpteenth time, "I think if you'd read it, you'd think I'm telling you a good..!"

"Literature is for wimps!" Bender retorted. "so let me tell you that you're just wasting your life away to..!"

It was then that Lenny burst in through the library door. "Merry Christmas, kids!" he sniggered, pulling out his machine gun and taking aim. The teens' reactions were all different at the sight of this deadly predicament. Claire screamed in terror. Bender leaped up and grabbed a chair, in preparation to hurl it at Lenny. Andrew leaped up and tried to stagger on one crutch to try and protect Allison, who sat frozen in terror at the sight of the gun. Chandra dropped to her knees and made the sign of the cross. Brian looked skyward, said, "Thank you," then stood up, closed his eyes, and spread his arms, apparently hoping to be the first hit. Lenny put his finger on the trigger....

Kevin noticed a boarded-up weak section in the duct ahead of him. It didn't look like it would support him, but with Filch breathing literally down his neck right now, he didn't have any choice. He went over it as fast as he could. The boards covering the hole creaked horribly underneath him. Filch took one more lunge, into stabbing range of Kevin. He raised his knife high...

CRRRACK!" the boards gave way under Filch. He fell screaming down out of sight. Kevin turned around and looked down to see him land with a thump on top of the mobster just as he was about to fire his gun. They both crumpled to the floor, the mobster's gun going off into a light fixture above him. Kevin leaped in shock from the gun blast.and slipped down the hole himself, landing on top of a bookcase. It started to topple forward under his weight. He yelped and leaped blindly to the next bookcase.

"Hey, what's goin' on in here!?" came the short guy's voice. Kevin looked down to see him and his partner coming into the library. They turned to look up at the bookcase falling right for them and just had enough time to start to scream before it completely crashed down on them. Kevin winced. "Boy, they're probably looking at more books now than they ever read before in their lives!" he thought to himself.

"Are you OK up there, Kevin?" Allison called up to him, concerned. The color was just starting to come back to her face.

"Yeah, sure, I'm fine," Kevin said, climbing down to the library floor, "but we'd all better get out of here before they get back up!"

"Well where are we supposed to go, smart guy, it's a blizzard out there!" Bender said smarmily.

"Hey Bender, he just saved all our lives; the least you can do is be grateful to him!" Allison snapped.

"You can all come to my place," Kevin said quickly, "You'll be safer there."

"Is it much of a walk?" Claire asked, looking unsure about the snow raging outside.

"It'll be worth it," Kevin ran toward the window and opened it up. He could see Filch and the mobster trying to stand up, and knew they had to get a move on. "Hurry, hurry, hurry!" he pleaded with the teens as they followed him out the window.

"Well sorry, some of us can't go so fast!" Andrew muttered at him as he limped with his one good leg through the window. He took about a full minute to slip through the window, and just barely managed to get out before Filch and the mobster got back up and charged at him. He slammed the window shut on them just in time.

The library door slammed open. "Did you take care of it?" Rooney asked as he and Vernon came in.

"Did ya hear him, Marv, it was him!" Harry exclaimed as he and Marv slowly extracted themselves from under the bookcase.

"Don't tell me you let them get away!" Rooney thundered.

"Don't worry, Eddie, we know exactly where they're goin'" Harry said confidently.

"Oh do you?" Vernon raised his eyebrows.

"Yep. They're at 671 Lincoln Boulevard," Harry waved to his compares, "Come on guys, we're goin' after 'em."

"Forget it Harry, one of these things with you is enough for us for one night!" Sam growled. He stormed toward the library door. Lenny shot Harry the exact same look and followed his friend. "Fine then, we'll keep all the loot when we catch 'em!" Harry yelled after them. He turned to Marv. "Come on, Marv, let's get 'em while we still can."

"You're kind of a little crazy to be driving out in this weather , UB," Miles quipped as Buck pulled up in front of the Oaks house.

"I know it's a bit dangerous, Miles, but I said I'd go see the parents of these kids I was told about," Buck told him. "And with your Aunt Chanice's snow tires, I really get a good traction."

"Is this going to take long, Uncle Buck?" Maizy asked him, "Rudolph's coming on at 8 tonight."

"You're not going to miss Rudolph, Maizy, I can promise you that," Buck said, hopping out as his car backfired again. "You and your brother wait here and I'll be out as soon as I can, okay?"

"Okay," Miles and Maizy said simultaneously. Buck trudged through the snow to the front door and rang the Oaks's bell. It was Tyler who answered the door. "You're the guy Dad said was coming?" he asked.

"Yep, he in?" Buck asked.

"Dad, he's here," Tyler called into the house. Mayor Oaks came to the door. "Hello, you're guidance counselor, right?" he asked, shaking Buck's hand.

"Yeah, Buck Russell's the name," Buck said.

"John Oaks, come on in," Mayor Oaks ushered him into the den. "Sorry for the wait, I was just fixing dinner," he explained to Buck as he gestured for him to sit down on the couch, "So, what do I owe your presence in my house to?"

"Mr. Mayor, I..."

"Please, you can call me John, Mr. Russell."

"All right then, John, I'm a little concerned about your daughter's well being," Buck said, reclining back on the couch.

"Don't be, she's a retard," Zachary retorted from right in front of the TV, where he was watching a Blackhawks game in which a fight was now occurring. "Come on, Graham, tear his face off!" he yelled to the players on the screen. Buck gave him a strange look but continued with the mayor. "I've been observing that she's been picked on a lot in school, and I was wondering if you've been doing anything to help her get over her misery here at home. "Well, I try and be supportive to her," the mayor said, "but it's really a case of my wife showing her opinion before I do."

"And what's you're wife's opinion?"

"She hates her," Tyler said as he came into the living room with some fresh-baked cookies in hand, "She thinks she's a mistake of nature." He offered Buck a cookie. Buck smiled and took it. "Thanks," he said. He turned back to the mayor. "So you have problems with your wife?" he asked.

"Uh, well, um, I really wouldn't call it a problem," the mayor said quickly, sounding like he wanted to avoid the subject.

"What causes the difficulties?" Buck could now see a pattern emerging.

"She's only worried about her job, that's all," Tyler interceded for his father again, "She spends all day at work, she breaks promises, and she only cares about her money."

"Interesting," Buck mused. "Say John, how do you respond to this?"

"Uh, well, she's..she's a good woman at heart," Mayor Oaks began, "And, yes, she gets a little too pushy at times, but, uh..."

"John, did you have any problems with your parents when you were going up?" Buck asked him. Mayor Oaks looked a little uncomfortable. "Well, um, when I was 17, my parents broke up," he began cautiously, "And, uh, truth be told, it was a little frightening to be sitting in my room listening to them yell and scream at each other. I guess it kind of seared into my soul the failings of yelling and fighting with your spouse, and I vowed then and there never to do it myself when I got married."

"So what you're telling me is that even though your wife isn't being the best of wives and mothers, you're still willing to just sit back and take everything she throws at you?" Buck pressed on.

"Well, Mr. Russell, it's better than starting an argument needlessly with her and ruining our children's happiness just like my parents ruined mine," the mayor said, eager now for an out.

Buck shifted around so he was fully facing the mayor. "You're thinking pretty soundly there, John, but I think it's probably better to stand up to her for once in this life if she's making you all miserable," he said. "If you just let her walk all over you and the others here, the marriage when it breaks up will be even more painful."

"I don't want to break up with her," the mayor said.

"Well just think about not letting her have her way with your daughter," Buck continued, "Chandra's a very sweet person, and she deserves not to have people treat her the way I see people treat her."

"I know," the mayor admitted, "but she never says anything about that. I think she wants to hold in all the hurt. I want her to be happy, but she won't let me reach her."

"Well, maybe if you were to stand up for her, she'd be more willing to let you reach her," Buck posed. He rose to his feet. "Well, I've got a couple more stops on the way before I call it a night, so I hope you and your family have a merry Christmas."

"Same to you, Mr. Russell," Mayor Oaks said, leading Buck to the door, "Drive carefully, this snow's really bad."

"I will," Buck said as he left. Mayor Oaks stood and watched him leave. As Buck's car pulled away, he became aware of Tyler's presence at his side. 'I won't mind if you tell her off, Dad," he told his father, "because she deserves it, always running out on us for her work."

"Well, I'll keep that in mind," the mayor said, patting his youngest child on the shoulder. "Come on, let's finish dinner before it gets cold."

"So let me get this straight. You guys created Lisa here on your computer?" Ferris asked Wyatt and Gary as they lounged in his room, eating a pizza, "That's one of the most incredible things I ever heard."

"Well, it's absolutely true," Lisa said. She was smiling over at Cameron, who seemed both enlightened and nervous to be in her presence. "I exist to give young men the opportunity to improve themselves on the inside, and from what I've heard, Cameron Frye, you could use it."

"Uh, thank you," Cameron forced an uncomfortable smile.

An idea was formulating in Ferris's head. "Now that you guys told me that this is possible, I'd like to say that Cameron is in good need of a woman," he said, winking at his friend.

"Uh, Ferris, why are you revealing my sexuality?" Cameron asked uncomfortable.

"One problem though, Ferris," Wyatt admitted, "it only worked before on my computer because I had woman-simulating software."

"Perhaps that would be bad, but luckily for us, I happen to have it as well," Ferris walked over to his computer and double-clicked on an icon labeled FEMALE SIMULATION 2020. A pulsating screen popped up with the message WELCOME TO FEMALE SIMULATION 2020, MR. BUELLER; PLEASE ENTER PASSWORD TO BEGIN.

"Wow, and I thought I was the only one who still had this!" Wyatt exclaimed. He and Gary slid into place in front of the computer. "What's the password, Ferris?" he asked.

"'Password.'"

"That's what I'm asking you."

"It's 'password.'"

"What is?"

"Password."

"What's the password, Ferris!?"

"'Password."

"We're asking you that!" both Wyatt and Gary were now totally confused. Ferris smiled as he realized what the confusion was all about. "No, no, I meant the password is 'password,'" he said, "I use it for convenience."

"Oh," this didn't seem to have relieved Wyatt and Gary's confusion, but they shrugged and entered the password. It was then that Ferris heard the sound of Jeannie sniffling in the hall outside. He hadn't even noticed she'd come in, and normally he wasn't too concerned about her problems, but the intensity of crying he could hear worried him. "Hang on a minute guys, I'll be right back," he told the others as he went outside. Jeannie was slumped against the wall, her head in her hands. "Take heart, little lady," her brother told her in a bad John Wayne impersonation, "It's Christmas time, there's no tears at Christmas."

Jeannie growled and pushed him away. "I'm dead, and it's all because you exist!" she exploded at him and stormed into her room.

"Before you tune me off, Jeannie, can I borrow some bras?" Ferris called after her, "We kind of need them for this science experiment we're..."

Jeannie slammed the door in his face. Ferris shook his head. "Don't say I didn't try to help," he said to the closed door.

"So what's her problem?" Cameron asked, sticking his head into the hall.

"Rooney," Ferris told him.

"How can you tell?" Sloane asked, sticking out her head.

"I can tell," Ferris said. "Jeannie and I might not get along, but she's still family, and nobody, and I mean nobody attacks my family and gets away with it."

"Okay Ferris, we're all ready to go," Gary called to him, "but we think you should be the one who enters it all in."

"Lisa stepped out into the hall. "Go ahead," she told Ferris, "I'll make your sister feel much better."

"And what would that include doing, Miss MacIntosh?" Sloane asked, although her smile hinted she wouldn't mind it if Lisa would do something unpleasant to Jeannie.

"I'll call you when I'm done," Lisa said evasively, slipping into Jeannie's room.

Ferris came back into his room and took his place in front of the computer, which was now displaying the message PLEASE PRESS ENTER TO COMPLETE SEQUENCE. "Here goes nothing," he said, pushing the ENTER button. At that moment, a sharp wind began blowing from seemingly nowhere, and electricity crackled all over the place. The phenomena wasn't limited to Ferris's room either. All over Shermer at that moment, the lights all went out, causing all the emergency switches to be thrown at the power plant on the outskirts of town.

"The end is near!" Cameron screamed apocalyptically, diving under the bed. Sloane, looking concerned, jumped in after him. Ferris, however, found nothing scary about what was going on. "You know," he told Wyatt and Gary, who were sitting calmly in their chairs, having gone through this a couple of times, "If you could just isolate this part of it, you could sell it to an amusement company and make a fortune."

"We'll keep that in mind," Gary told him.

"Slowly the wind and lightning began to subside, and the room returned to normal. "You guys can come out now," Ferris called to his friends under the bed, "It's all over."

"Are you sure about that Ferris?" Sloane asked uneasily, crawling out. "Where's the woman it was supposed to create?"

The door to Ferris's room opened. "Is everything OK in here?" asked Mr. Bueller. He apparently hadn't been aware of the events that had just happened, evidenced by the disturbing fact that he was unaware that he was now wearing his wife's clothes, and he now had oversized breasts.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!" Cameron shrieked at the sight of his stepfather's predicament. Looking nauseated again, he pushed passed his stepfather and barreled down the hall to the bathroom. "UH, don't worry about Cameron, Dad," Ferris said quickly, trying hard to suppress the huge laugh he wanted to let out, "He just had too much to eat for lunch."

"Okay," Mr. Bueller accepted this explanation without so much as a qualm, "Tell him if he's hungry, dinner's in about fifteen minutes."

"I will," Ferris told him as the door closed. He released the laughter he'd had pent up. "Now I've truly seen everything!" he confided in the others.

"Sloane's right though, where is the lady?" Wyatt said, puzzled, opening the door to Ferris's closet and looking around, apparently thinking the woman that should have been created would be in there, "It's almost always behind a door like this!"

Before anyone could offer an explanation, Lisa stuck her head in through the door. "Jeannie's all cheered up," she announced.

"Oh this I must see," Ferris rushed for Jeannie's room. What he saw made his day: the room was now filled with bright pink clouds, and Jeannie had somehow levitated to about five feet off the ground, where she was backstroking in circles around the room, a dopey smile superglued to her face. Ferris laughed even harder. "Yep, this'll keep her happy right through the new year," he confided in Lisa, "and God knows she needed it."

"Hey fellas!" Cameron shouted from downstairs, where he had somehow slipped without any of them noticing, "You'd better take a look at this, quick!"

"This should be even more interesting," Ferris thought to himself as he and the others hustled down the stairs. Indeed, what lay before him was interesting: his living room had been transformed during the transference into a beach, with an oceanfront that defied the physics of the living room and stretched as far as the eye could see. Mr. And Mrs. Bueller lay slouched in lazy chairs next to the waterline (conversely, Mrs. Bueller was now wearing her husband's clothes), snoring their heads off. Mauler was somehow walking on the ceiling now, being attacked by albatrosses that were flying around. Cameron was standing a few inches from the water, his mouth hanging open in shock. "Ferris, how the hell did this get here!?" he demanded to his friend.

"It's no biggie really, Cameron; we accidentally turned Wyatt's kitchen into a hospital the last time we tried to create a woman," Gary told him.

"No biggie!?" Cameron muttered to nobody in particular, "No biggie!?"

"Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm not going to let a nice beach like this go to waste," Lisa stripped off her slip, revealing a rather sexy bathing suit underneath. She waded out into the ocean, calling back to the shore, "And if I were you, I wouldn't let it go to waste either."

"I agree to that point," Ferris called to her. Her turned and galloped up the stairs, eager to embrace the moment. With the snow raging outside, this little summer break was quite welcome.