Carl pulled his trash barrel into Buck's office. "How much have you got for me today, Buck?" he asked the counselor.

"The usual," Buck pointed to his garbage can, which was already spilling over onto the floor. Carl bent down and began picking Buck's trash up. "Rough morning, huh?" he asked.

"Like you wouldn't believe," Buck sighed. "I'll tell you one thing, Carl, when I took this job over the summer, they didn't say anything in the job description about people being broken down emotionally. I just thought I'd have to fill out college forms and all that!"

"Well, working in a school is a lot more than just writing out papers," Carl chuckled, emptying the rest of the garbage can into his barrel. "Maybe if you'd started here when you were younger, you'd have been better prepared."

"Well, to be honest Carl, I really didn't want this line of work," Buck said. "I'm not exactly an office type of person. My sister-in-law was really pushing me to get a respectable job, so I basically just cut up the various jobs open in the Help Wanted section of the paper, put them in my hat, and picked one out at random, and this is what came up."

"The old family crisis, huh?" Carl seemed unsurprised by this.

"Yep," Buck nodded. "I'm not sure she really trusts me entirely still."

"You have no idea how often I've listened to the kids talking or writing about how they don't like their family situations," Carl said. "Richard and Ed keep saying all the time that today's kids are different from when they were growing up, but adolescence hasn't changed at all. They have the same problems we had when we were their age."

"I'll bet," Buck said. "You know, I think they should have put you in my place here." Then he felt the urge to ask something that had been grinding away at him all day.

"Say Carl, when Brian's mom came to pick him up, she said he'd tried to kill himself before. Do you happen to know what happened last time?"

"I sure do," Carl told him. "He failed a shop project, so he brought a gun into here, and it went off in his locker."

"Was anybody hurt?"

"Luckily no, but Richard nearly did the job for him when he found out what had happened," Carl told him. "While you're on that topic, I happened to find this in the trash can in Mrs. Walker's class. I guess he left it on her table and it fell the can by accident."

He handed Buck a crumpled up piece of paper. Written on it in hasty handwriting was:

Dear world,
I have failed you, and as such I can think of no other way of atoning for my errors but to take my own life. There is no other option for me, as there is no way I can undo what has been done. Do not mourn for me; you are all better off without me. Goodbye.

Brian Ralph Johnson

Buck whistled uncomfortably. "Gee, this really is serious!" he commented. "And he always seems like such a nice kid, too. Has he always taken setbacks this seriously?"

"Well Buck, when you're as high up in the youth social order as he is, it's hard to find out you're flawed in some way," Carl said.

"Sure. I once knew a guy in sixth grade with me who..." Buck started to say, but then without any warning Miles and Maizy came bounding into his office. "Top of the afternoon, UB," his nephew called out.

Buck frowned. "What are you guys doing here?" he asked. "School's not over yet!"

"Somebody called in a bomb scare at the elementary, and they let us all out early, so we walked across town,' Maizy explained.

"By yourselves? You didn't talk to any strangers, did you?"

"Nope."

"Good." Noticing the janitor watching his niece and nephew, he added, "Oh Carl, I don't think you've had the honor of meeting my niece and nephew yet, this is Miles and Maizy; kids this is Carl, he's the janitor here."

"Good to meet you," Miles said giving Carl's hand a vigorous pumping.

"Ah, your uncle's talked about you two so much whenever I come in for his garbage," Carl beamed.

"So you pick up his trash every day?" Maizy asked him.

"Every day."

"Hey UB, where's the water fountain? I got a little thirsty walking across town." Miles asked his uncle.

"Go out the door, turn left, and it'll be on the left side of the hall," Buck told him.

"Thanks," Miles trotted off. As he went out the main door, he turned and called back, "And how about the bathroom?"

Marv, who was walking by at that moment, turned at the sound of Miles's voice. His eyes widened at the sight of him...and then narrowed in malice. "YOU!" he shouted at him.

"Me?" Miles turned to him, looking confused.

"Come here, you little twerp!" Marv charged over and grabbed Miles by the collar before he could run off. "Harry!" he yelled down the hall, "come quick! I got him!"

"UUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBBBBBB, HELLLLLLPPPPP!" Miles screamed into the office as Marv began shaking him violently.

"Nobody's gonna save ya now, kid!" Marv shouted at him. "Harry and me, we waited two Christmases, but now we gotcha outside your house, with no little goodies to...!"

Buck dashed out of his office. "Take your hands off my nephew right now!" he shouted at Marv, and slugged the burglar so hard that he was lifted off his feet and send flying for a yard or two before crashing down on the floor.

"Stay outta this pal, this is personal!" Marv shouted at him as he jumped back to his feet.

"I don't care what it is!" Buck yelled at him. "I want you to tell Miles you're sorry!"

"Miles?" Marv looked confused. "You mean...his name ain't McCallister?"

"No!" Buck shouted, "He's a Russell!" Then he frowned. "What do you want with the McCallisters?"

Harry came running up. "What is it?" he asked, breathless.

"Sorry Harry, wrong kid," Marv said sheepishly. "I thought he was him," he pointed at Miles.

"Are you it ain't him?" Harry studied Miles over. "There's a pretty big resemblance."

Vernon came storming down the hall. "What's going on here!?" he demanded.

"This jerk attacked my nephew, Richard!" Buck pointed at Marv. Vernon rolled his eyes. "Can't you two stay out of trouble for ten minutes!?" he shouted at the Wet Bandits.

"Of course we can, Ritchie," Harry flashed him an innocent smile.

"Then get up to the second floor where you belong for now!" Vernon jerked his hand toward the stairwell. The crooks shuffled off. The superintendent now turned to his guidance counselor. "And what do think you're doing, bringing kids in here!?" he snapped.

"For your information Richard, Miles and his sister came in here by themselves," Buck retorted.

"Well get them out. They can come back after school is over!" Vernon barked.

"No I won't!" Buck shot back. "I'm not throwing my own kids out in the cold!"

Vernon's eyes burned with murder. "Now listen here Russell," he said very softly, "I am the one in charge here, and school policy states that..."

"You know what Miles? I don't think we really need to listen to anything this big dumb man has to say," Buck picked up his nephew and walked back into his office.

"Oh no you don't, Russell! You're not walking away from...!"

Buck slammed the office door shut, cutting off whatever Vernon was going to yell at him for. "Don't mind him, he's a hard case half the time anyway," he told Miles.

"I could tell," Miles said, "half the teachers I have are like that as well."

"I'll bet," Buck chuckled. "Say, do you know what that moron wanted with you...I mean, what he wants with Kevin McCallister?" He knew from having dropped Miles off at the McCallisters numerous times that Kevin bore a more than passing resemblance to his nephew, but he had no idea what Marv would be after him for.

"Your guess would be as good as mine, UB," Miles told him. Then his face lit up with a thought: "Unless..."

"Unless what?"

"Can't tell you, UB, Kevin swore me to secrecy," Miles winked at him and trotted back into the main office, where Maizy was busy grilling Carl about his private life.

"How often do you make out with your wife?" she was now asking him.

"Uh, once a week," Carl said, clearly not being totally honest about it.

"Do you do it naked or with clothes on?"

"Define clothes."

"Any type of clothes."

"Half and half."

"Huh?"

"Uh, Maizy, let's not get too personal with Carl," Buck said, lifting her out of his chair and sitting down in it. "Sorry Carl, she and her brother really like asking people these personal questions," he told the janitor.

"It's OK Buck, I don't mind it," Carl told him with a smile.

"Well if you don't mind them then," Buck whispered in his ear, "wouldn't you be willing to possibly take them home for me? There's something I might be interested in doing after I leave here today that I really wouldn't like them around for."

"Normally I'd love to Buck, but I've a Christmas party right after this, so I can't," Carl admitted. "And I've really got to get going now before Richard comes after me for slacking off."

"Right, see you later Carl," Buck called after him as he left. No sooner did the janitor leave, however, than the superintendent stormed in. "Russell, I wasn't finished talking to you!" Vernon thundered. "Since you won't accede to the rules of this school and get rid of these brats, you're docked 65% off your next paycheck!"

"SIXTY-FIVE PERCENT!" Buck gasped, "but that's unconstitutional!"

"As the head of this school district, I can do what I want!" Vernon snapped.

"You know what I think he could use for Christmas, UB?" Miles quipped to his uncle.

"Uh, I don't think this is the time for that, Miles," Buck whispered uncomfortably.

"What do I need for Christmas?" Vernon asked the youngster curtly.

"A severe case of jock itch, you butthead," Miles said to him, unfazed. Steam poured from Vernon's ears. "All right Russell, that's an eighty percent pay cut!" he bellowed. "Care to try for more!?"

"Uh, not really, Richard."

"I think he could use a brain tumor too," Maizy commented.

"All right, now that's ninety percent!" Vernon barked. "Want to go for more!!??"

"No, no!" Buck cried at him. "Come on Richard, you're going against the spirit of Christmas by doing this!"

"Bah humbug!" Vernon growled and him, and then turned and stormed out.

"Hope you have your balls bitten off by a crocodile," Miles called after him.

"NINETY-FIVE PERCENT!" Vernon yelled.

"You know, you two shouldn't really have to stand up for me all the time like that," Buck told his niece and nephew. He felt quite pale by now.

"But we love you, Uncle Buck," Maizy told him.

"Thanks for the support," Buck told her weakly. He was doing the math in his head. A ninety-five percent cut out of his check, which was scheduled to arrive tomorrow, would leave him with a mere thirteen dollars, far short of what he needed to buy Chanice the Christmas present he had in mind.

Tia now entered the office, looking a little puzzled. "What's the matter with Superintendent Vernon?" she asked her uncle.

"Uh nothing," Buck lied. He gave Miles and Maizy looks that told them not to say a word. "So, what brings you here?" he asked his oldest niece.

"I'd just like to tell you that I won't need you to take me home today," Tia told him. "I just met this new guy, and I'll be spending the rest of the afternoon with him."

"Oh that's great," Buck smiled. "What's his name?"

"His name's Cutter Tarquin, and he's..."

"T-T-T-Tarquin!?" the smile abruptly faded from Buck's face.

"Yeah," Tia told him. "What's wrong?"

Buck was at a loss of words for this. Instead, he moaned ever so slightly, rose to his feet, slowly trudged over to the far wall, and then suddenly began banging his head off it.

"What!? What is it!?" Tia asked him, concerned. When he failed to answer, she shrugged and said, "Well, I've got to go, he's having me over for dinner at his place, so I guess we'll talk later, OK?"

Buck gave her a weak thumbs up. She smiled and walked out. "Do you believe this?" he asked Miles and Maizy after she was gone, "The entire Tarquin family's out to get me! First your Aunt Chanice, and now your sister!"

"Do you want to sue them, UB?" Miles asked him.

"I think I could probably do worse than that out of court, Miles," Buck sighed. His day, already bad, had just gone to worse. And now he was faced with a horrible dilemma: nobody to take the kids home. With his next paycheck severely cut into by his boss's rage, he was now facing a cash crisis. Roger's words about the big race being a shoe-in were starting to ring ever clearer in his ears. He glanced up at the clock: 2:49. If he wanted to go to park, he'd have to leave now. "Say," he asked his niece and nephew, "Would you be interested in going somewhere with me this afternoon?"

"Sure," they told him.

"Okay, now here's the thing," he told them, "you can't tell your mom and dad about this, or else we'll all be in trouble, okay?"

"Our lips are sealed, Uncle Buck," Maizy gave him a wink.

"All right then, let's go, quietly," Buck opened his office window and motioned for them to go out it. He gathered up his items and followed them out...only he didn't quite make it all the way out the window. He squirmed around and tried to go back into his office, but found he couldn't do this either.

"Are you okay there, UB?" Miles asked him.

"Nope. I think I'm stuck!" Buck admitted. He twisted around futility. "I know I'm stuck! "HELLLLPPP!!!" he cried out.

"What's the matter, Mr. Russell?" called Janet from the outer office.

"Janet, call the fire department! I'm in a real tight spot here!" Buck called out to her.

"Koenig and Stray Realtors, how may I direct your call?" said the person on the other end of Rooney's phone. "Katie Bueller please," Rooney said.

"One moment." There was a brief pause before Mrs. Bueller came on the line.

"Hello?"

"This is Edward R. Rooney, Dean of Students, Mrs. Bueller. I have reason to believe that your son set off the fire alarm and left school this morning."

"Oh? And what gives you that idea?"

"I haven't seen Ferris around since nine this morning, and several employees of mine trained to look after delinquent students claimed to have seen him at a Cracker Barrel in..."

"Now look here Mr. Rooney!" Mrs. Bueller said sharply, "I have been listening to make claims that Ferris is skipping school at least every month for the last two years, and quite frankly, I'm getting very sick of it!"

"But he is!" Rooney shot back. "All I need is to get positive proof, and..."

"You've been saying this time and time again, and you have never managed to show me any positive proof that Ferris is not in class!" Mrs. Bueller yelled at him. "I refuse to listen to anymore of your baseless, vindictive claims against my son! Now if you'll excuse me, I have deal with a couple from Colorado to work on!"

"No wait, I'm not...!" Rooney was cut off as she hung up the phone. He slammed down the receiver in disgust.

"No luck, huh Ed?" Grace asked, sticking her head in the door.

"No," Rooney muttered. "She won't believe me unless she sees him skipping herself!"

"Kind of like you, Ed," Grace commented.

"How, may I ask, am I like that...brain-dead fool!?" Rooney demanded.

"Well, you never believe anything until you see it either, like the time when Carl told you the air conditioning was breaking down, and you told him it was fine, and then when it broke down the kids all gathered outside your office and called for..."

"Let's not go into that!" Rooney shouted, waving his hands around. "It's just no use. I've either got to catch Ferris with her watching or get a confession of him admitting he's skipped class on tape for her or her stupid husband to believe me. And since everybody close to him shields him from me, I can't get anywhere near him, so I'm left to grasp at straws while he walks away with Frye and..."

He stopped talking abruptly at this. A devious smile crossed his face. "Of course, how slow of me! Why didn't I think of it any sooner!?" he said triumphantly.

"I don't know Ed, but when you start thinking of Ferris Bueller, you rarely do think of anything else," Grace said.

Rooney shot her a cross look. "That's not what I meant," he grumbled. "I mean I've found a way to get at Ferris!"

"How?"

"Simple. I go through Frye," Rooney explained. "He's everywhere with Ferris; they're practically a team."

"So?"

"So, Ferris will do anything to save Frye's neck if he gets in trouble," Rooney explained, "so when Frye's caught bringing in a makeshift bomb to this school, he'll naturally turn to Ferris to get him out of trouble, and Ferris will walk right into my hands."

"But Ed, Cameron's got no reason to bring a bomb to this school," Grace pointed out. "And besides, he flunked shop last year; he couldn't build one if he tried."

"Oh believe me Grace, he'll bring one here," Rooney said, disgusted Grace didn't get what he was aiming toward. "In the meantime, get on the horn and page the Moron Twins to this office."

"Right," Grace started to leave, then turned back, looking confused. "Ed, I don't think there is anybody named Moron who goes to this school."

"I mean Mr. Lyme and Mr. Murchens!" Rooney growled.

"Then why did you call them Mr. Moron and Mr. Moron?"

"Just page them!" Rooney jerked his finger toward the door. "Grace shuffled off. Rooney put his head in his hands. "Why do I have to be surrounded by such fools!?" he muttered to himself.

Just when he thought things couldn't get worse, however, they did. From the outer office came an all-too familiar sound: "Is Edward in?" His mother.

"Oh damn!" Rooney jumped up and tried to hide under his desk, but he was already too late: his mother, an enormously fat woman, galloped through the office door.

"EDWARD!!" she gushed in delight, "give Mommy a hug!"

"No, Mother, I don't think now is...!" Rooney's pleas were in vain, as his mother grabbed him around the waist and began hugging him brutally hard. "Air! Air!" he gasped, pointing desperately at his throat. Mrs. Rooney failed to notice this, and began hugging her son even harder before finally a sharp kick to her shin made her release him.

"What's the matter Edward? Don't you want me to love you?" she asked, looking crestfallen.

"Of course not, mother, it's just that I don't like being killed," Rooney said, still taking deep breaths.

"I see you're better," she noted.

"From what?" It was then that Rooney remembered his leprosy excuse the previous night. "Oh, the, the leprosy, yes, well, uh, I just tried out this experimental new wonder drug for it, uh, hypochlorotylenbayermitozantactictacexophedrinol."

"I've never heard of that one before," she said, looking puzzled.

"It's, uh, fresh off the market, just, just approved by the FDA for consumer use."

"Well then, I'll have to pick some up the next time I go to the drugstore," Mrs. Rooney glanced around her son's office. "Edward, would you be able to come to..."

"Can't," Rooney said before she could finish.

"Why not, Edward?"

"Uh, the doctor says I, uh, need to, uh, stay at, uh, home to make sure the leprosy doesn't spread further, to, um, other parties, and, uh, you know I'd never want to infect you with so terrible a disease," Rooney said quickly. "And right now, Mother, I think maybe you should wait in the outer office, just until I finish with my business this afternoon, okay?"

"Do I really...?" Mrs. Rooney was interrupted by the Wet Bandits coming into the inner office. They stopped abruptly when they saw her seated there. "Uh, well, we'll come back later when you're not busy, Eddie," Harry said quickly, motioning for Marv to follow him out.

"No, no, come in and sit down!" Rooney told them firmly. He got up and took his mother by the hand. "As you can see, Mother, I'm rather busy right now, so maybe you'd better just wait outside until I'm finished."

"Will it take you long, Edward?"

"No, no, Mother, it'll just take a minute or two, so you can relax, just let me have a moment with these two gentlemen," Rooney led his mother outside, then closed the door behind her and pushed a sofa up against it.

"What's that for," Marv asked.

"Just to make sure we have privacy," Rooney said quickly. "I'm sure you gentlemen have had similar problems with your mothers dropping in on you before."

"Actually, Eddie, my mother dumped me when I was eighteen months, and Harry's dad hacked his mom to pieces when he was six," Marv explained.

"Whatever, whatever," Rooney waved him off. "All right, gentlemen, I have a top secret assignment for you. Under no circumstances are you to reveal the purpose behind the actions I want you to take right now to anyone, understand?"

"Tell what?" Harry said, winking him. Rooney frowned. "Don't play coy with me!" he snarled. "Now, what I want you to do is..."